I, like many others, grew up loving Harry Potter and its kind of nonsensical but infinitely charming fantasy world. Yet, as I learnt more about the world around me, I came to the conclusion that many others also have – J.K. Rowling is a piece of shit who doesn’t deserve her status as a literary genius. Her wizarding saga isn’t even that good, it just capitalized on a market of readers that the industry didn’t write books for at the time. So, I gave my copies away and went on to better fantasy worlds to escape into. I still retained some fondness for the series though, so after many years, I decided to rewatch the films to reconcile my feelings for the universe I once held so much affection for.
8 – Chamber of Secrets (1/10)
Chamber of Secrets is, unfortunately, the most accurate adaptation of its source material out of the eight films. This is regrettable for two reasons. Firstly, and most obviously, film is a completely different medium from literature. Literature is free to indulge in details and worldbuilding through words that a film has to create through imagery. Director Chris Columbus perhaps did not get the memo, since Chamber of Secrets is an excruciating 161 minutes long (174 minutes if you make the horrible decision to watch the extended edition). Secondly, Chamber of Secrets is the most dreadful book in a mediocre series to begin with. It’s an aimless adventure in a world we don’t particularly care about yet without the nuance behind every character that makes later entries somewhat compelling. I would even argue this entry is completely skippable – anything introduced in Chamber of Secrets isn’t all too important or reintroduced in later movies. At most, it introduces that Harry can speak to snakes and a character that makes a minor appearance in Order of the Phoenix. All in all, Chamber of Secrets is pretty atrocious, enough so that I was quite jealous of Gilderoy Lockhart when he lost all memory of the events of the film.
7 – Goblet of Fire (3/10)
Ah yes, Goblet of Fire, the one where Rita Skeeter, a character described as having masculine hands, excessive makeup, and fake hair spies on children by transforming into another form. Why, exactly, were we surprised that J.K. Rowling was a TERF when this is how she chooses to represent a trans woman in her beloved children’s fantasy series? Besides that, everyone just decides to kind of be a moron this year. Harry decides to ignore his tasks for months until somebody tells him the solution (relatable), Ron suddenly decides to be jealous of his best friend, 14 year old Hermione dates 18 year old Viktor Krum, the teachers just let Harry keep participating in the tournament when somebody else put his name in the goblet, the ghost in the bath is a pedophile, and everybody needs a haircut. Yes,this is a film that is fairly accurate to the experience of being a freshman, but that’s certainly not a good thing.
6 – Philosopher’s Stone (4/10)
Chris Columbus comes in with another miss, but at least Philosopher’s Stone does a phenomenal job at establishing the rules of the world. This includes the rules of Quidditch (basically an excuse to beat your wizarding enemies up while some guy is somehow supposed to find a tiny 2 inch flying ball to win the game), the rules of Hogwarts classes (there’s like two a year and they’re both three minutes long), and how every conflict is solved (Hermione conveniently pulls a new spell or MacGuffin out of nowhere).
5 – Deathly Hallows Part 2 (4/10)
Deathly Hallows Part 2 is empty and soulless – the saga’s fights have never been interesting because of the killing curse, a spell that is supposedly “forbidden” yet every single enemy somehow manages to use it, making any other spell useless for them to use since they aren’t as powerful. And if you can’t make the fights interesting in a fantasy world, you have deeply, irrevocably screwed up. Yet, the film seems so thoroughly convinced that we enjoy watching these CGI nothing battles that it speeds through redemption and heroic journey arcs to get there. Somehow, the anti-Semitic caricatures that are the goblins in the series get worse here. This film would absolutely be lower on the list if not for Minerva McGonagall, objectively the best Harry Potter character, getting some great scenes.
4 – Half Blood Prince (5/10)
Half Blood Prince spends at least half its runtime dealing with teenage romantic hijinks which rival Chamber of Secrets in excruciating dullness, but the other half is really quite strong. It’s Harry Potter at its most operatic, with a grandiose soundtrack, frequent palatial overhead shots, and the fascinating notion that Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy are two sides of the same coin, both tragic products of their upbringings.
3 – Prisoner of Azkaban (6/10)
Prisoner of Azkaban is largely considered the best Harry Potter movie for good reason – it’s the adaptation that’s technically the best film. But as powerful as the imagery of this one gets, it’s impossible to escape how completely introducing time travel breaks the series. It introduces so many questions (Why not go back and kill Voldemort? Why not save Harry’s parents? Hell, why are they giving this power to an eighth grader so she can take more classes? Why are the adults enabling her obsessive, overworking personality until she eventually implodes with stress? Why can’t J.K. Rowling write a book without a deus ex machina?), but Prisoner of Azkaban is an enjoyable enough blockbuster if you don’t think about it too hard.
2 – Order of the Phoenix (7/10)
Order of the Phoenix is the first film in the series to really do anything with Harry’s anti-authoritarianism and it all flows really well – David Yates condenses the longest and arguably hardest to adapt novel into a tight 138 minutes that has the students finally take initiative and fight against the systems that are oppressing them but also makes sure that the students never forget that kindness, love, and connection are what makes them different from the enemy. Plus, Umbridge’s downfall never fails to be the most satisfying moment in the entire series and Dumbledore vs Voldemort is the only fight that has ever lived up to my expectations of creative, exciting wizard battles. Yes, I was the kind of kid that loved this black sheep entry focused on teenage angst and failure of mentorship and it still holds up now, even while I watch it through a hyper critical lens.
1 – Deathly Hallows Part 1 (8/10)
In splitting Deathly Hallows into two films, the best Harry Potter was inadvertently made (and it’s not even close). Deathly Hallows Part 1 is a tragic masterpiece – the weight of the world is put on three teenagers who just a year ago were safe and sound within the walls of Hogwarts, their biggest worries being whether or not their crush likes them back. Yet, they know that they can’t seek help, for every time they have, they’ve suffered the loss of a loved one. This is the only film in the series where the weight of everything the heroes have been through really sinks in – best highlighted by the two strongest sequences in all eight movies. The first follows the trio wandering through a desolate rural wasteland, listening in on a radio broadcast declaring every missing witch and wizard, praying that they don’t hear the name of a loved one. The second sequence has Harry and Hermione dancing to Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds’ “O Children” to forget about the fact that their best friend has left them and they’re left on their own to complete an impossible task that happens to be the only way to defeat the strongest dark wizard of all time. It’s all mindbogglingly depressing for a children’s fantasy series – I couldn’t appreciate it as a child, but now, it’s to me the only truly great film in the saga.
In conclusion – Despite how critical of it I am, I still have a soft spot for this series. Is Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality infinitely better than the original series and not written by a POS TERF? Yes, but I still thoroughly enjoyed my rewatch of this series because I’m not immune to nostalgia and because there’s some genuine moments of brilliance amidst the general mediocrity.